As it's become increasingly clear that I'm not going to get paid by my delightful employers and therefore we can't afford to install a bedroom floor, we've resorted to doing what we always do in times of financial hardship, sell stuff.
As it is socially unacceptable to flog your body parts (and I'm not even sure anyone would want my kidneys), I started with the contents of the barn. When I realised that Mr H had not one, not two, not three but four scaffolding towers, it seemed reasonable to get rid of some of them. Obviously this was met with some reluctance on his part - you just never know when they might come in handy - but once negotiations were over, he entered into the spirit of the thing and found me a whole load of old toot to list on the infamous Bon Coin. I managed to part him from three spare Land Rover seats, a soft-top cover for a type of Land Rover we no longer own, numerous tools and several surfboards.
There's also the camping gear dating from our trip to the Bardenas desert. Sounds idyllic but he made me sleep in a roof tent (I have vertigo) and it was minus 8. I'd brought summer sleeping bags. The lowest moment was climbing down the ladder at 3am for a wee and feeling my socks stick to the frozen roof ladder. We have not been camping since. To be fair, I did get a weekend in the Hotel Aire to compensate.
All this sales stuff does mean I am constantly fielding calls. People ring up at all hours of day and night and ask the most bizarre questions. Or even worse, don't ask any questions and expect me to convince them to buy the 5 stainless steel stove pipes that they are calling about. Surely either you want 5 stainless steel stove pipes or you don't? Or maybe they are just lonely and want a chat? Or maybe they have worked out I'm English from the advert and think it will be a cheap way of having a telephone English lesson? Who knows. But the stuff is selling and as we currently have a large empty room where the kitchen should be (no bedroom floor = no kitchen), we have everything inside, showroom style. Our friends are getting a bit fed up of popping round for an apero and leaving with a paper shredder and a punch bag, but hey, every little helps!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Given that it has been around four months since my last confession, sorry post, I thought I had better do something about it. So here is a quick resume of what has been going on in the wonderful world of SFN Towers.
I spent January and February hobbling to and from work on crutches. A kind friend lent me a wheelchair which made going to the supermarket possible. Or should that be 'eventful' as Mr H thought it was great fun and behaved accordingly. He pushed me everywhere as fast as possible and did wheelies in the car-park; his favourite trick was to take a run up at the automatic doors, stopping only in the nick of time when they failed to keep pace with his speed. We regularly hit around 30km per hour in the veg aisle, slowing down only when we got to steak and red wine. I now know why small children often wail when in their pushchairs. It's because they are bloody terrified.
I survived all that, finished the teaching contract, got the plaster off and enjoyed a couple of weeks part time before the next contract started. I stopped enjoying my 'leisure' time when I discovered that the company I have been working for had gone into administration. At the moment, I have no idea when or even if, I will get paid.
Mr H spent March attacking the house. Floors and walls have been removed, openings made and windows installed. Sadly there is no likelihood of the floor going back in in the foreseeable future as floors cost money and until I get the four grand (and counting) that I am currently owed, that, my friend is that. The dream bedroom will remain a dream.....for the time being at least. Still, I do have a 'cathedral' style interior living space.
My one success has been dog training. I dealt with the naughty yapping puppy by buying one of those electronic collars that zap the dog when it yaps. Being tight, I bought a dodgy 'own brand' type job from Ebay. It basically electrocuted the shit out of her for 24 hours until we realised what was going on. On the upside, it cured her of her favourite pastime, barking at the horses back legs and having seen how effective it is, the kids are suitably chastened. After all, I'm the mother that tied Daisy to a tree with a lunge line when she was a toddler and had Max on an extending dog lead at the beach, so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that I'd resort to electrical behaviour control. They do it in the States after all and besides, anyone who objects, clearly has not shared a house with gobby teenagers.
I spent January and February hobbling to and from work on crutches. A kind friend lent me a wheelchair which made going to the supermarket possible. Or should that be 'eventful' as Mr H thought it was great fun and behaved accordingly. He pushed me everywhere as fast as possible and did wheelies in the car-park; his favourite trick was to take a run up at the automatic doors, stopping only in the nick of time when they failed to keep pace with his speed. We regularly hit around 30km per hour in the veg aisle, slowing down only when we got to steak and red wine. I now know why small children often wail when in their pushchairs. It's because they are bloody terrified.
I survived all that, finished the teaching contract, got the plaster off and enjoyed a couple of weeks part time before the next contract started. I stopped enjoying my 'leisure' time when I discovered that the company I have been working for had gone into administration. At the moment, I have no idea when or even if, I will get paid.
Mr H spent March attacking the house. Floors and walls have been removed, openings made and windows installed. Sadly there is no likelihood of the floor going back in in the foreseeable future as floors cost money and until I get the four grand (and counting) that I am currently owed, that, my friend is that. The dream bedroom will remain a dream.....for the time being at least. Still, I do have a 'cathedral' style interior living space.
My one success has been dog training. I dealt with the naughty yapping puppy by buying one of those electronic collars that zap the dog when it yaps. Being tight, I bought a dodgy 'own brand' type job from Ebay. It basically electrocuted the shit out of her for 24 hours until we realised what was going on. On the upside, it cured her of her favourite pastime, barking at the horses back legs and having seen how effective it is, the kids are suitably chastened. After all, I'm the mother that tied Daisy to a tree with a lunge line when she was a toddler and had Max on an extending dog lead at the beach, so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that I'd resort to electrical behaviour control. They do it in the States after all and besides, anyone who objects, clearly has not shared a house with gobby teenagers.
Monday, January 9, 2012
New Year, New You!
We all know that this is the time of year when we're probably carrying a few surplus pounds from the Christmas excesses....
So we are delighted to bring you, entirely free of charge, the ultimate SFN New Year, New You 6 Week Diet, Detox and Fitness Plan! Follow this diet and workout regime and we GUARANTEE you will lose weight, tone up and improve your stamina levels!
The first step is to break your leg. I KNOW this sounds drastic but trust me, it is a key part of the plan. If you can't bear to break your own leg, get a friend or family member to do it for you. But do make sure you have appropriate health cover in place before starting. We wouldn't want you caught with a large bill now would we?
Once your leg has been broken and you are in plaster, you will be pretty immobile for at least the first ten days. This is the Intensive Attack stage when you will burn fat from sheer misery and pain. You will be on fairly strong painkillers (if you've got any sense) and these will make you so dozy, you simply forget to eat. Simple huh?
You will also no longer be able to drink. Even if you fancy mixing the painkillers with a few cocktails, being pissed in charge of a pair of crutches simply DOES NOT WORK. Trust me. So just think of all those calories you will be saving!
From week two onwards, any hunger cravings are easy to deal with by remembering that anything you do eat or drink, will eventually, necessitate a trip to the toilet. As this entails hobbling there on said crutches and then attempting NOT to fall into the loo whilst balanced on one leg, it is both a deterrent and a good physical workout. Clench those leg muscles!!
You might have seen other diets suggesting that you stick messages on the fridge door saying things like Do You Really Need To Open Me?, I'm Not Going To Give In! I Don't Want Another Slice Of Cake and so on. Here at SFN Towers, we have a far more effective solution. Dig the floor out to a depth of 80 cm and then control access to the kitchen via three breeze blocks. Only those who have been on crutches for several weeks will be able to manage this type of obstacle so any snack cravings are easily overcome!
Obviously diet alone is not enough. You need to improve fitness levels too and trust me, crutches will help. Operating them is a full body work out and you'll find you have arms like Madonna in no time. Make sure you also exercise buttock and stomach muscles. The easiest way to do this is to attempt to go up and down the stairs, at least twice a day, on your backside with one leg stuck out in front of you. Excellent for those abs!
We hope you enjoy the plan, do let us know how you get on and Happy Hopping!!
So we are delighted to bring you, entirely free of charge, the ultimate SFN New Year, New You 6 Week Diet, Detox and Fitness Plan! Follow this diet and workout regime and we GUARANTEE you will lose weight, tone up and improve your stamina levels!
The first step is to break your leg. I KNOW this sounds drastic but trust me, it is a key part of the plan. If you can't bear to break your own leg, get a friend or family member to do it for you. But do make sure you have appropriate health cover in place before starting. We wouldn't want you caught with a large bill now would we?
Once your leg has been broken and you are in plaster, you will be pretty immobile for at least the first ten days. This is the Intensive Attack stage when you will burn fat from sheer misery and pain. You will be on fairly strong painkillers (if you've got any sense) and these will make you so dozy, you simply forget to eat. Simple huh?
You will also no longer be able to drink. Even if you fancy mixing the painkillers with a few cocktails, being pissed in charge of a pair of crutches simply DOES NOT WORK. Trust me. So just think of all those calories you will be saving!
From week two onwards, any hunger cravings are easy to deal with by remembering that anything you do eat or drink, will eventually, necessitate a trip to the toilet. As this entails hobbling there on said crutches and then attempting NOT to fall into the loo whilst balanced on one leg, it is both a deterrent and a good physical workout. Clench those leg muscles!!
You might have seen other diets suggesting that you stick messages on the fridge door saying things like Do You Really Need To Open Me?, I'm Not Going To Give In! I Don't Want Another Slice Of Cake and so on. Here at SFN Towers, we have a far more effective solution. Dig the floor out to a depth of 80 cm and then control access to the kitchen via three breeze blocks. Only those who have been on crutches for several weeks will be able to manage this type of obstacle so any snack cravings are easily overcome!
Obviously diet alone is not enough. You need to improve fitness levels too and trust me, crutches will help. Operating them is a full body work out and you'll find you have arms like Madonna in no time. Make sure you also exercise buttock and stomach muscles. The easiest way to do this is to attempt to go up and down the stairs, at least twice a day, on your backside with one leg stuck out in front of you. Excellent for those abs!
We hope you enjoy the plan, do let us know how you get on and Happy Hopping!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)