Cold Comfort Farm

Well folks, I’m back! The long silence was because we have finally moved! And of course.... being France, despite having booked a telephone line to be connected from the 17th, when we finally got the keys on the 30th, there was no bloody dial tone.
And therefore no internet. There was no mobile signal anywhere other than at the far end of the garden. Whenever I left the house, I picked up multiple missed calls on the mobile from increasingly desperate friends, family and clients wondering where exactly we had got to. By day two I had resorted to dispatching Husband to McDonalds to upload copy. I think he quite liked it there, at least it was warm.

The house in comparison was cold, damp and covered in black mould. I spent two days scrubbing walls and woodwork with so much bleach that my eyes were streaming. Still, the peach, beige and brown tile medley schemes in the kitchen and bathroom have come up a treat.

I say kitchen but it is really just a room with a sink in it. The sink comes to about half way up my thighs. This is not because I am some supermodel type with legs up to my armpits. It is because the sink was clearly designed either for midget French pensioners, or to keep women suitably servile and in their place, i.e. bent double over the dishes.

The wiring is lethal. Most things are not earthed and the fuse box or rather the box that has the meter and some random wires in, should be an exhibit in the Science Museum. The upstairs wiring sports some 60 year old cotton insulation which is such a fire hazard that Husband has propped a ladder up to the balcony and given the kids Fire Drill lessons. So tomorrow the rewiring starts.

That is of course, if we do not have any other little crises to cope with in the interim. We have been here precisely one week and so far have had the ‘No Hot Water’ episode, followed by the ‘Flooded Barn’ fiasco, then the ‘Emergency Installation of a Wood Burner Before Mum Freezes to Death’ day (did I mention that I have had flu throughout this jolly week? I think it was swine flu but I have been far to busy to go to a doctors. Anyway I haven’t even found out where the nearest doctor is yet). And that is not mentioning the lack of a car; I crashed ours just before we moved. This was really handy as the moving plan centered around the Landy towing the horse-box, laden with all our worldly possessions). Neither have I mentioned the two dogs we have suddenly inherited, who keep making a beeline for the (very busy) road we now live next too. Or the cats, who are traumatised by being chased by the strange dogs and insist on using the house as a giant litter tray. Still, I can’t say I blame them, there’s really not much difference between the indoors and outside. Except outside is a bit cleaner and drier. Still I do have a very, very large new fridge which I can fill with wine. Which always makes life seem a little better - cheers