1. Dealing with the RSI is a complete and utter nightmare and likely to drive you to drink.
2. Venturing outside if you are blonde and live south of the Loire, without wearing factor 50 sunscreen, will result in thread veins all over your cheeks. As you will now look like the local wino, you may want to admit defeat at this point and hit the bottle before dealing with the RSI.
3. Ducklings 'imprint' on their (human) mums. This means that if you hand rear them in the sitting room, they will think that they should live in the house, with you, for evermore.
4. Never try the andouillette. There's a limit when attempting to embrace a culture and its cuisine.
5. Be prepared for your teenagers to suggest they see a 'psychologue' - all their friends will, whether they need one or not. If they do mention this, knock it on the head by telling them that they are British and should be displaying some stiff upper lip.
6. You will get stopped randomly by the police on a more frequent basis that if you were of ethnic extraction and carrying a backpack on the London Underground. Hopefully they won't shoot you.
7. Nothing can prepare you for the horror of French customer service. There isn't any.
8. If you have a wood burning stove, your life will revolve around buying, chopping, stacking and carting wood inside for six months of the year. Your house will be covered in a fine layer of ash throughout the year.
9. You will develop sudden and weird cravings for foods that you would have turned your nose up back at in the days when they were readily available in the local shop - salad cream, sandwich spread, Branston pickle.....
10. Over to you....?
subsitute RSI for any form of public offices, in fact anything infested with state workers and most of those go for Italy too.
ReplyDeleteShe says.
With feeling.
And the hump.
You have my sympathy!
ReplyDeleteThat there would be Brits there who get their knickers in a twist if you don't see France through their rose tinted glasses...
ReplyDeleteNot you, I hasten to add.
For your sins, I've just tagged you, but don't worry about it if you're too busy.
ReplyDeleteThat 3 foot stone walls offer as much insulation in the winter as a copy of the local parish magazine
ReplyDeleteThat the winters would be so flaming long and the springs so flaming wet - we flooded even on the top of a hill
That there would be so many disfunctional people - not you of course!
That a swimming pool would enslave you for the whole summer
That chickens would wait for you to pressure wash the terrace then go and c**p all over it the minute your back was turned
That you should never plant courgettes in the South West unless you want to spend the rest of your life saying 'not more bloody courgettes!'
That buying a stamp would require the patience of many many saints as you waited for Madame to finish regaling the 'histoires' of her many illnesses and Monsieur Le Vieux who was trying to pay in the 2000 Francs that he's had stashed under the horsehair mattress sin 1943
Blimey, I've nearly done 10 of my own!
You realise you've just encouraged a load of whining Brits who wanted Swindon with sunshine? Definitely with you on 4 and 8 though!
ReplyDeleteYou realise you've just asked to be spammed by whining Brits who wanted Swindon with sunshine? With you on 4 and 8 though!
ReplyDelete"That you should never plant courgettes in the South West unless you want to spend the rest of your life saying 'not more bloody courgettes!'"
ReplyDeleteLOL, think that is true the world over.
you need this.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Will-All-Those-Courgettes/dp/0952488159/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1276244615&sr=8-1
That your (ex) French partner considers it completely normal to insult you and shout at you during disagreements. Just like in French films really. I don't like it in films either.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all of the above.
ReplyDeleteIf you get invited out for a French lunch, you can write off the rest of the afternoon and a large chunk of the evening too......
Never, EVER ask after the health of one of your French friends or neighbours unless you have at least half an hour spare to hear the detailed answer.
That would drive me round the bend.
ReplyDelete1/ Don't drink eau de vie. It's a lie.
ReplyDelete2/ Avoid country roads between 2pm and 3pm. Old Frenchmen in rickety vans drive at you (possibly due to 1).
3/ Being blonde and unattached requires every male in the neigbourhood to offer you his carnal attentions, because, patently, you've been waiting all your life for him to turn up drunk at your door in baggy breeks and wellies.
4/ It's very difficult getting rid of drunk Frenchmen from your house.
5/ Spiders are very, very big. You need to deal with them on your own because of 3 and 4.
6/ You will wonder about the national capacity for self delusion when neighbours feed you soggy tinned green beans with duck leather and stale bread then tell you how bad British food is.
7/ No matter how correctly you say some words, only several repetitions will result in the shop person suddenly repeating exactly what you've said in an enlightened manner, and then dolefully shaking their head, as of course, they don't have any.
8/ You can't buy painkillers or cigarettes in a supermarket.
9/ Cadburys chocolate is more expensive than wine.
10/ Your spelling will deteriorate and your grammer lose order. (Actually, this is just a disclaimer for the above.....)
Love love love your top ten!
ReplyDeleteHello! I'm visiting from the Fly's blog. I love #8, we just got done stacking wood for next winter.
ReplyDeleteGreat answers!
Change the word 'France' to 'Italy' add on the words 'dodgy politician' and 'football fanatics.' Eco,siete qui in Italia!
ReplyDeletePS, please do not return Carla Bruni-we do not want her back!
Hello! I'm over from Fly's too and really enjoyed reading this post!
ReplyDeleteHow so true!
My 10th would be the same as Fenix: my written and spoken English has become shameful since living in France (over 10 years now), however much I read and write I now churn out something like franglais.
I'm completely with you on 1,4, 6, 7 & 9! For the others I am neither a true blonde, have ducklings or children but I'll take your word for it :)
Brilliant - and SO true about the RSI ... hic!
ReplyDeleteHi stephanie - just left you a comment!
ReplyDeletewow, quite a lot of negativity here. ouch.
ReplyDelete